WrestleMania: The EC Board Edition

[El Vez]

For those of you who might be asking "Just how boring was El Vez's job on Good Friday?" Well, here you go...

INTERGENDER TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Defending Champs - The Euclidean Connection (Dr. Spooky & Spooky Girlfriend) vs. The Primary Colors (Bluechair & Redshoes)

Match Synopsis: On March 11th this year, the Spookys broke all records as the longest reigning Intergender champs. But now, facing their stiffest competition yet with the Primaries who have decimated the intergender ranks with their devastating finisher; The Wall of Sound, the champs appear to be vulnerable for the first time in three years. Highly anticipated as being a potential showstealer, these two teams did not disappoint. The match began with a technical showcase from Doc and Blue (the patented Spooky Moonsault off the top rope and onto the floor continues to astonish live audiences) before they tagged in their better halves. Always the bruiser of her duo, Red immediately lit into Spooky G. with a series of forearm shots that left the Huntsville Honey battered with a nasty cut over her right eye. Enraged, Doc jumped into the ring to settle the score only to be stopped by the ref which was devastating for his parter because the Primary Colors took full advantage of having the ref's back to them and double teamed Girlfriend for almost an entire minute before order was regained. For the next ten minutes, it was all Blue & Red as they worked SG over in their corner and came close to upending the champions on several occassions. But Spooky Girlfriend is nothing if not tenacious and the crowd roared when she powered out of Red's figure four leglock to make the tag to Doc. Techie Terrific (as he is known to his fans) proceeded to clean house and, in an instant, the tide had turned. Draping Blue's semi-conscious body over the top turnbuckle, Doc executed a perfect flying hurricanrana that sent the pride of Toronto sailing halfway across the ring. It is likely that Doc would have nabbed the three count after that but Red made the save and bought Blue a precious few moments to clear the cobwebs and regain a vertical base.

Fed up, Doc sent Red over the top rope and on to the floor with a crescent kick (thus ensuring no more interference) only to be greeted with a cobra clutch sleeper hold courtesy of Bluechair. Fading quickly, Doc made a desperation move and dropkicked the turnbuckle, sending both him and Blue crashing down to the canvass. Unwilling to release the hold, Blue very nearly lost the match for his team because Doc was able to leverage himself on top and came within a hairsbreadth of scoring the three count. Letting go of the clutch just before the referree's hand hit the mat for the third time, Blue sprang to his feet and made a running charge at the good Doc and nearly took his head off with a wicked clothesline. Having regained control, Chair waited till his opponent had picked himself up off the mat and clobbered him again with an even more vicious lariat clothesline. Now toying with his prey, Bluechair wasted valuable time showboating and allowing Doc to recover. This proved to be the undoing of the Primary Colors as Bluechair went for the same move again but it proved to be a case of going to the well once too often. Showing the reflexes of a champion born, Doc ducked the wouldbe haymaker and Blue's momentum sent him flying into the ropes back at his opponent. Displaying razor sharp instincts himself, Bluechair went for a sunset flip on Doc. An ordinary wrestler might have gone down for the three count at this point but, once again showing his considerable in-ring savvy, Doc simply sat down on Blue and was able to hold down the challenger's legs long enough for the three count. After the match, The Spookys celebrated in their traditional manner by getting drunk in the ring and watching Family Guy with their forty six children.

Winners: The Euclidian Connection at 18:02.



DONKEY MUD WRESTLING MATCH

SoLikeCandy vs. Double Dutchess

Match Synopsis: One of the most popular stipulations for the Ladies' division, a Donkey Mud match is pretty much what it sounds like. Ostensibly, the donkeys are there because their presence lends a certain visual intrigue that goes well with the sight of two women in bikinis wrestling in mud. But they can also be used as weapons which has made for some entertaining action. The self-proclaimed Mistress of The Donkey Mud, SLC made short work of her opponent, finishing off the resilient (but still injured) Dutchess with her patented Fishbone Split. As always in a match like this, it was the fans who were the real winners.

Winner: SoLikeCandy at 8:33.



SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH: LOSER MUST WATCH THE BENCHWARMERS AND BASIC INSTINCT 2 BACK TO BACK.

Bobster vs. El Vez w/ Special Guest Referee Mood Swung

Match Synopsis: Fans were evenly split among their two favorite film geeks but, by the end of the match, stood united in protest over Mood's atrocious, gleefully biased officiating. The match began with Vez making good on his promise to "Whoop Bob's monkey ass from pillar to post" as the Tuscaloosa native put his considerable size advantage to spectacular use. In fact, it was nearly over just seconds after the opening bell rang when El Vez scooped up the Anaheim Antagonist and drove him into all four top turnbuckles before executing a crushing running powerslam. In what would be a recurring theme throughout, Mood Swung was excruciatingly slow to make her way down to the mat and attempt a three count. Some members of the audience estimated that Bobster was down and out for at least fifteen seconds before Mood's palm slapped the ring for the first time. Unfazed, El Vez continued to mount a Guns of The Navarone-esque assault on his battered foe before going for one of his signature moves; The Peckinpah Plunge. This time, Mood found herself distracted talking Apple Brown Betty recipes with a gentleman in the front row who strongly resembled none other than WWE mogul Vince McMahon. Even after noting that El Vez had Bobster pinned following the devastating splash, Mood continued to amicably chit chat with the fan for almost a minute before gingerly making her way back into the ring and starting the count. By that time, Bobster had regained his bearings and eye gouged El Vez to gain the upper hand. Seizing the opportunity following his cheapshot, Bobster rolled Vez up with a small package and very nearly got the duke as Mood made a lightning fast count that EV was lucky to beat.

It was at this point that the crowd began to turn and started to litter the ring with debris. For her part, Mood displayed her notoriously vulgar disrespect for the fans and began crotch chopping various members of the capacity crowd and motioning for them to kiss her rear. Taking it in stride, Vez led his fans in a chant of "UCLA Sucks!" that enraged his proud opponent. But perhaps El Vez should have spent less time having fun with the audience and more time focusing on the match and dealing with a crooked ref because Bobster capitalized on the distraction by reaching into his tights and pulling out a limp, white object. A sock full of quarters. He then walloped El Vez (who had his back turned, a cardinal no-no) with the sock, rendering him unconscious and an easy three count. In protest, several fans in attendance began throwing leatherbound transcripts of Michael Medved's collected Fox & Friends appearances into the ring, forcing Bobster and Mood Swung to head for higher ground.

WINNER: Bobster at 14:01.



BARBED WIRE EXPLODING RING STEEL CAGE GRUDGE MATCH: Mr. Average vs. So Lacklustre

Match Synopsis: For many, this is what wrestling is all about; two big, bad, gruffly handsome men who just can't stand one another. It all began last November when So Lack stole Average's prized pair of tights that had been handed down to him by his mentor, Barry Goldwater. Enraged, Mr. Average retaliated by pile-driving So Lack's manager, Paul Weller, on to the cold, hard concrete and pouring sugar into his VW Bug's gas tank. Things escalated into further, seemingly endless violence that saw both men spill buckets of blood in the name of revenge. Having exhausted every brutal specialty match in the book with no resolution to their feud in sight, EC Board Commissioner A Rope Leash announced that this barbed wire exploding steel cage match, a federation first, would be the final match of a feud that some say is threatening to cross the line into real mortal danger for its combatants.

There is almost no sense in trying to give blow by blow highlights for such a bloodbath. Flesh was shredded by unforgiving barbed wire, flesh was charred by the flames that spewed from each preset dynamite blast that provided the "exploding ring" part of the deal, flesh was split wide open by the steel bars containing these two raging bulls and mouths were agape as the jam-packed arena witnessed this Grand Guignol display unfold before their very eyes. Speaking of eyes, Mr. Average lived up to his handle as "The Mad Barber of O.C." when he took a burning piece of barbed wire and ground it into So Lack's right eye. Later in the match, SL got his revenge when he chop blocked Average, causing his opponent to rip a quad muscle right off the bone. So powerful was their mutual hatred that these two gladiators fought through pain that would have put a lesser man six feet under and, after nearly two hours, even the fans were exhausted. Finally, Mr. Average locked So Lacklustre in for his patented Nazareth Plex and you could feel the impact from up in the bleachers. Not satisfied, Average executed a second Nazareth Plex on his opponent and the sound of So Lack's ribs cracking was as unmistakable as it was sickening. When Average turned over to cover his fallen arch nemesis, a three count seemed elementary but So Lacklustre shocked the world by kicking out. Stunned, Mr. Average was suddenly unable to continue fighting and instead made his way to a ring corner and began talking to himself, seemingly in doubt of his ability to finish off his adversary after administering so much punishment. What shook him out of it was Lacklustre's clumsy, dazed lunge that failed to connect with anything but ringpost. Laughing, Average lifted up SoLack and began signaling for a third Nazareth Plex . But the third time was not the charm as So Lacklustre was able to block what would have surely been the end of his career and instead nailed Average with a fierce Wanker Bomb only to collapse in a heap after knocking out his blood enemy. For over a minute, the referee stood stunned as neither man moved a muscle. After consulting with the medics who were on standby for the entire match, the ref began to make the obligatory ten count. It was, by any reasonable standard, a slow and measured count as the referee clearly did not want the match to end this way but it was inevitable at this point. After he reached ten, the bell sounded and the match was declared a draw since neither man was able to answer the count. Paramedics rushed in and both wrestlers were placed in seperate ambulances and taken to the local emergency room.

RESULT: A draw at 112: 49.



MAIN EVENT: 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS MATCH TO DECIDE WHO IS THE COOLEST MOFO ON THE BOARD.

Pip_52 vs. Pophead2k

Match Synopsis: The irresistable force meets the immovable object. The Godfather or The Godfather, II. The Inscrutable One versus The Melodic One. As soon as it was annouced, Pip_52 and Pophead2k's 2 out of 3 falls summit was hailed as the leading candidate for Match of The Year and these two put on a clinic that proved all those high hopes to be dramatically understated. A wrestling scholar could spend his or her entire career examining the twists and turns of this epic encounter. Seasoned wrestling fans often bemoan the fact that most wrestlers are not exactly the chess playing type because even a mediocre student of chess is an individual who is hypersensitive to the consequences following their every move as well as the consequences of their opponents choices. By comparison, most grapplers like to play Battleship a lot. And cheat. But here, fans are blessed with two serious Kasparov like motherfuckers that are locked into combat in one of the most challenging specialty matches around; the two out of three falls match. Strategy and conditioning are paramount because this is the marathon race here, son. If you loved Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat, Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart and Chris Benoit vs. Triple H, you will cream your jeans after this one.

Anyway, the match itself.....

1st Fall: After a long feeling out process (which Pop's girlfriend was none to pleased about) Pip_52 showcased her superior speed and agility with a series of lightning fast lucha libre moves that were designed to keep the bigger, stronger Pophead off balance. She was successful for awhile until Pip got cocky and telegraphed a spinwheel kick and found herself missing her target and landing flat on her back outside the ring. In a rather generous display of sportsmanship, Pophead did not go outside on the floor and administer an easy beating on his adversary. Instead, he repeatedly broke the ref's count and allowed Pip the opportunity to recover and slide back into the ring. Once she touched the squared circle though, Pop was an assassin. He locked her in a series of painful submission holds including the boston crab, crossface armbar, stepover toehold, camel clutch and scorpion deathlock. This was smart wrestling by 2K because, in the first fall, it would almost be better for you to submit quickly to one of these holds rather than risk injury by trying to fight your way out of it but it would still leave you one fall down. It also served to soften Pip up for Indoor Fireworks, Pop's excruciating, almost inescapable submission finisher. In a fit of desperation to break up this career-shortening tour of torture, Pip connected with a standing enzuguri that left the crowd nearly as stunned as it did Pophead. Capitalizing on this, Pip launched herself up on the top rope and came down on Pop with a flying floatover DDT and made the cover for the one, two, three.

FIRST FALL: PIP_52 at 15:36

Second Fall: After a mandatory thirty second breather, these two wasted no time in attacking each other with a series of duelling knifehandle chops that sounded out throughout the arena and, by the end of the exchange, blood was pooling up on Pop's chest. The match see sawed back and forth several times over the next twenty minutes until Pip once again got careless and this time it proved to be her undoing as Pophead was able to roll out of the way just in time to avoid a flying headbutt from off the top rope. Knocked senseless, Pip was an easy mark for Indoor Fireworks and she tapped out almost immediately so as to avoid injury.

SECOND FALL: POPHEAD2K at 40:01

Third and Final Fall: Both grapplers were considerably more cautious this time around as they were fully aware of its importance. It made for a fall that was slow at times but never dull because you knew it could end at any moment. This time, it was Pophead who made the uncharacteristic mistake that cost him the fall and, ultimately, the match. After incapacitating Pip with a running neckbreaker, Pop neglected to go for the easy pin and instead attempted to cinch in his Indoor Fireworks hold again. Pip blocked it and, rather than move on to another plan of attack, Pophead tried Fireworks again but this time Pip was ready. In a stunning feat of strength (for a girl), Pip blocked Pophead's move again and reversed it into her signature, The Soft Boy Slam. Three seconds later, it was all over.

FINAL FALL: PIP_52 at 74:55.

[Extreme Honey]

Is wrestling STILL around?

[pophead2k]

Is wrestling STILL around?

If you could see how beat to shit I am this morning, you wouldn't be asking that question.

[verbal gymnastics]

Is wrestling STILL around?

There are rumours that wrestling is rigged and that it serves as entertainment rather than as a real sport

[Extreme Honey]

Is wrestling STILL around?

There are rumours that wrestling is rigged and that it serves as entertainment rather than as a real sport

I see it even less of entretainment as it is a sport. Which makes it a really, really bad source of entretainment.

And how can someone be "beat to shit" from wrestling if it's all fake and practically harm-free?

[pophead2k]

Umm..... I was joking. Based on El Vez's clever text. Get it?

[verbal gymnastics]

This is getting too much Bobby-Ewing-in-the-shower for my liking

[miss buenos aires]

And how can someone be "beat to shit" from wrestling if it's all fake and practically harm-free?

And entirely on the Internet? Come on, people, that's just not logical!

[spooky girlfriend]

First of all, I'm happy to retain my title.

Second, Vez, how much damn free time did you have at work last Friday? Or are you just able to spew that amount of crap in a short period of time?

[El Vez]

Or are you just able to spew that amount of crap in a short period of time?

I'm just as God made me, ma'am.

[verbal gymnastics]

Except for the boob job

[oily slick]

iiiiiii think they're real. sometimes that happens after a baby.

[El Vez]

You know what, I had a little work done because I didn't like how I looked and now I feel better about myself. Nothing to apologize for or feel ashamed about!

[verbal gymnastics]

But as Billy Joel said..."I love you just the way you are"

[El Vez]

So long as it's dirty, pagan commie love then it's all gong, Pete Tong.