Jokes

Post by **DrSpooky** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:46 pm

Nerdy but funny -- Demographically tailored versions of Clippy from MS-Office.

* Southern Clippy: "I see y'all are tryin' to write a lett-uh! Do ya need some help?"
* Ghetto Clippy: "Looks like you be tryin' to write a letter! Maybe we can help ya out, bitch!"
* British Clippy: "I see you are trying to write a letter. Let's work on that together, but right after our afternoon tea."
* Chinese Clippy: "I see you're trying to write a letter. Sorry, that option is not available to users of Windows Vista Starter Edition. Not to mention that the Communist party has banned communication anyways."
* Australian Clippy: "Ya tryin' to write a letter, mate! Alright, let's get started!"
* Iraqi Clippy: "Are you trying to write a letter bomb? Let me help you. First, what national leader do you want to target today?"

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:01 pm

Today I saw a man standing out in the parking lot with a sign that read, "Will work for food." I gave him a coconut.

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:05 pm

Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A. Christopher Walken

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:14 pm

Jewish clippy: So, you're trying to write a letter? You like I should help? No? Okay, that's fine. Just do it without me then, see if I care when your margins are all fakacta. That's okay. There's a nice piece of chicken in the refrigerator.

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:18 pm

Being There Staff Clippy: I'd like to help you write that letter but I got all kinds of shit goin' on right now, my man. When do you need this? The 18th? Um....could you give me till the 22nd?

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:31 pm

A woman goes to the supermarket and buys a half-gallon of milk, some orange juice, a dozen eggs and a box of pasta. The drunk guy behind her gestures toward her purchases and says, "I bet you're single." The woman, taken aback, say, "Why, yes, I am. But how did you know?" The drunk guy says, "Because you're ugly!"

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:33 pm

miss buenos aires wrote:A woman goes to the supermarket and buys a half-gallon of milk, some orange juice, a dozen eggs and a box of pasta. The drunk guy behind her gestures toward her purchases and says, "I bet you're single." The woman, taken aback, say, "Why, yes, I am. But how did you know?" The drunk guy says, "Because you're ugly!"

And that was the last time anyone saw Charles Bukowski....

Mr. Average · Post by **Mr. Average** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 2:45 pm

California State Clippy:

"Warning. You are attempting to wright a lettre without soliciting government programs designed to support lettre writing. This entitlement insures that your lettre will be writen by senior government officials in Sacramento. Relax. Why do something for yourself when the government can do it for you.

Your letter will arrive via email to your inbox in 4-8 weeks."

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:52 am

miss buenos aires wrote:A woman goes to the supermarket and buys a half-gallon of milk, some orange juice, a dozen eggs and a box of pasta. The drunk guy behind her gestures toward her purchases and says, "I bet you're single." The woman, taken aback, say, "Why, yes, I am. But how did you know?" The drunk guy says, "Because you're ugly!"

Milk would be curdled by orange juice... wouldn't have helped her skin much. Egg and pasta would slow her down...

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 10:19 am

miss buenos aires wrote:But bobster has not only seen that movie, he wrote an insightful review of it!

Actually, I really was both flummoxed and stymied by Ice Nine's joke -- though I had, of course, seen "The Aristocrats" and wondered about a possible connection. (I make it a point of honor to never write insightful reviews without having seen the movie in question. I do however sometimes write obtuse reviews of movies I haven't seen yet. You can see my quote in the ads for "The Constant Gardener" -- "Ralph Fiennes spins comic gold!")

The thing was, I didn't realize Ice Nine HAD seen it. I now stand unflummoxed but nevertheless stymied by larger existential matters.

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 10:22 am

El Vez wrote:Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A. Christopher Walken

This takes me back to the eighties, the heyday of the tasteless dead/injured celebrity joke....

Q: Did you hear Marvin Gaye's new record?

A: Yes. "I Heard it Through the Carbine," it's on the MowDown label.

Q: I heard that Natalie Wood never took baths?

A: Yes, she preferred washing up on the shore.

[After Michael Jackson's fiery mishap on that commercial...]

Q: Did you hear about the new charity Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson are starting?

A: Yes. The Ignited Negro College Fund.

[Note for non-North Americans, "The United Negro College Fund" is a major U.S. charity which at one point advertised very heavily that "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."]

And here's one that might be even more bit obscure now...

Q: What did Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common?

A: They both went down on the Challenger.

[Ms. McAuliffe was the "the first teacher in space" who died when the space shuttle Challenger exploded. Donna Rice had an affair with married U.S. presidential candidate Gary Hart. He MIGHT have survived the matter had he not told reporters, "I'm boring. Go ahead and follow me." Sad. Otherwise a very smart guy. Guess he didn't want to be Prez.]

double dutchess · Post by **double dutchess** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:53 am

A woman goes to the supermarket and buys a half-gallon of milk, some orange juice, a dozen eggs and a box of pasta. The drunk guy behind her gestures toward her purchases and says, "I bet you're single." The woman, taken aback, say, "Why, yes, I am. But how did you know?" The drunk guy says, "Because you're ugly!"

Miss BA, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone!

Extreme Honey · Post by **Extreme Honey** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 3:56 pm

Am I permitted to post a really funny (but really anti-woman) joke I heard today?

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:24 pm

Why don't you let anyone who's interested pm you for it?

johnfoyle · Post by **johnfoyle** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:42 pm

A Buddist goes into a Pizza restaraunt.

'What'll you have, Sir?'

'Make me one with everything.'

selfmademug · Post by **selfmademug** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:56 pm

johnfoyle wrote:A Buddist goes into a Pizza restaraunt.

'What'll you have, Sir?'

'Make me one with everything.'

No, no, it's a HOT DOG VENDOR. Everyone knows that!

And then the Buddhist gives him two dollars, gets his hot dog, and stands there expectantly. Finally he asks, "Change?" And the hot dog guy says, "Ahh, but change comes from within!"

Extreme Honey · Post by **Extreme Honey** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 10:38 pm

Hahaha, hot dog vendors are kick ass!

Boy With A Problem · Post by **Boy With A Problem** » Fri Sep 16, 2005 8:15 am

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper
bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Fri Sep 16, 2005 2:32 pm

So this tenth-rate actor is doing Hamlet, and he's so bad that by the time he gets to the soliloquy, the audience is booing, throwing filthy vegetables at him. Finally, halfway through the soliloquy, he stops and turns to the seats and says, "Hey, look, I didn't write this shit!"

selfmademug · Post by **selfmademug** » Fri Sep 16, 2005 5:57 pm

Love that, BWAP!

This is an old one, but if some of you hadn't heard the hot dog vendor one, maybe you've missed this one (or any of its variations) as well. And the 'annoying phrases' thread made me think of it.

*****

A brand-new freshman at Harvard is standing, bewildered, in Harvard Yard.

A passing young man in suit and tie stops and asks him, "Is there any way I can be of help?"

The new freshman answers in a fine Ozark accent, "Thank you, sir. Can you tell me where Widener Library is at?"

The well-dressed student grits his teeth and answers, "Well, first let me give you a piece of advice. We here at Harvard do NOT end our sentences with prepositions."

The new student quickly replys, "Oh, I see. Let me try to rephrase myself. Can you tell me where Widener Library is at, asshole?"

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 9:48 am

Q. What's white and sticky and plays heavy metal?

A. Rob Halford

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 1:18 pm

Actually, I can't think of any heavy metal players who are not white and sticky.

Post by **spooky girlfriend** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:22 pm

Sorry, but I thought this one was kind of funny.

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play".

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

I think it means that we're "Pisscopalians!"

Post by **spooky girlfriend** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 7:45 am

Okay, then how about this one:

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the cub scouts?

A: Because he was up to a pack a day.

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 10:33 am

Two engineers were walking their bikes to the main garage. One of them says "great bike, where'd you get it?"

"I was riding my old bike by the side of the road behind a beautiful girl and she threw it on the long grass and took off her clothes and said "take what you want"

"good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit"