What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Why did the irish man use two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure
What has a hundred legs and and no teeth?
The front row of a Cliff Richards concert.
Jokes
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Who Shot Sam?
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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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Who Shot Sam?
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Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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so lacklustre
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Who Shot Sam?
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Filthy joke (you've been warned), but it made me laugh and God knows I need it...
A man catches a beautiful woman giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he says. She asks him "Aren't you the father of one of my children?" In a panic, he quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful and adds "were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my stag party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that huge cucumber up my ass?"
"No", she replies. "I'm your daughter's English teacher".
A man catches a beautiful woman giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he says. She asks him "Aren't you the father of one of my children?" In a panic, he quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful and adds "were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my stag party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that huge cucumber up my ass?"
"No", she replies. "I'm your daughter's English teacher".
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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spooky girlfriend
- Site Admin
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Gillibeanz
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martinfoyle
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Richard Hawley told this old chestnut at his show last sunday.
The doctor told me to stop masturbating. I asked "Why?" His answer-"Because I'm trying to examine you"
Hilarious reaction, part shocked and part genuinely amused. I knew from his Whelans shows last year that his between song full on filth banter was worth the ticket alone, a fair few of the audience were there because of Richards aclaim since and were expecting a more loungy show. As often happens the women shrieked with laughter while the guys squirmed.
The doctor told me to stop masturbating. I asked "Why?" His answer-"Because I'm trying to examine you"
Hilarious reaction, part shocked and part genuinely amused. I knew from his Whelans shows last year that his between song full on filth banter was worth the ticket alone, a fair few of the audience were there because of Richards aclaim since and were expecting a more loungy show. As often happens the women shrieked with laughter while the guys squirmed.
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Who Shot Sam?
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He's over here in December (and his album is out in North America next week). Will definitely not be missing his show this time around.martinfoyle wrote:Richard Hawley told this old chestnut at his show last sunday.
The doctor told me to stop masturbating. I asked "Why?" His answer-"Because I'm trying to examine you"
Hilarious reaction, part shocked and part genuinely amused. I knew from his Whelans shows last year that his between song full on filth banter was worth the ticket alone, a fair few of the audience were there because of Richards aclaim since and were expecting a more loungy show. As often happens the women shrieked with laughter while the guys squirmed.
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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Who Shot Sam?
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Otis Westinghouse
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mood swung
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There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
Like me, the "g" is silent.
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Who Shot Sam?
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An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?"
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?"
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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bambooneedle
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Guiseppe and Luigi run a pizza shop that doubles as a whore house. One guy knocks on the back door looking around and says, "hey, I heard about your shop, what can I get for a hundred bucks?". Luigi says, "you can do the sex witha the beauuutiful Gabriella... she's a gotta the BIG breasts! mamma mia!". So the guy goes in. Another guy arrives and says, "uh, what can I get for $20?" Luigi: "eh whassamatta, you thinka thisa place isa cheap eh..?!! Hmm.. looka buddy fora twenty dolla you cana getta suck from Guiseppe's sister, she eatta too much and isa sad, but a whaddayou expect, eh..?". As the guy walks in too a young guy who is starving comes by, "I'll have the best you can give me for $5" .... "Ehhh, Guiseppe, start a greasingupa the cat's ass".
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invisible Pole
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The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
If you don't know what is wrong with me
Then you don't know what you've missed
Then you don't know what you've missed
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Who Shot Sam?
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Re: Jokes
OK, a bit crude, but here goes...
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth, pleath."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and
shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
At the end of his rope at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's *vadge*, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth, pleath."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and
shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
At the end of his rope at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's *vadge*, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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Who Shot Sam?
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Re: Jokes
St. Patrick's Day joke for you...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. Each buys a pint of Guinness. Just as they're about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly lands in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out of his beer, and continues drinking as if nothing ever happened.
The Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it out over the beer, and starts yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. Each buys a pint of Guinness. Just as they're about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly lands in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out of his beer, and continues drinking as if nothing ever happened.
The Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it out over the beer, and starts yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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Otis Westinghouse
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Re: Jokes
And another, but this is entirely an oral not written joke (and is also now thoroughly out-of-keeping with reality in the labour market!):
Paddy turns up at a London building site one day looking for work. The foreman gives him an interview:
'Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?'
Paddy: 'Well now, that's an easy one: Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses.'
Paddy turns up at a London building site one day looking for work. The foreman gives him an interview:
'Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?'
Paddy: 'Well now, that's an easy one: Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses.'
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more
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bambooneedle
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Re: Jokes
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Hey let's go ride our bikes
-Hey let's go ride our bikes
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mood swung
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Re: Jokes
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Y'all thought I was going somewhere else, didn't you?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Y'all thought I was going somewhere else, didn't you?
Like me, the "g" is silent.
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verbal gymnastics
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Re: Jokes
Terrible...
...talking of which
My mate has been drinking brake fluid constantly.
I told him he's addicted.
He said I was wrong and he could stop any time!
Is that tumbleweed?
...talking of which
My mate has been drinking brake fluid constantly.
I told him he's addicted.
He said I was wrong and he could stop any time!
Is that tumbleweed?
Who’s this kid with his mumbo jumbo?
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Who Shot Sam?
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Re: Jokes
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's big angry old goat out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's big angry old goat out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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invisible Pole
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- Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 2:20 pm
- Location: Poland
Re: Jokes
Not a joke per se, but it sure makes me laugh.
If you don't know what is wrong with me
Then you don't know what you've missed
Then you don't know what you've missed
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Otis Westinghouse
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Re: Jokes
Guaranteed to have a permanent place in all Top 10 TV Comedy Moments list shows. It is perfect though, that fall is always a delight.
I think I might have posted it before, but the thing I've laughed at the hardest on telly in recent years was this from The Apprentice:
Last weekend this made me crack up. I have very mixed feelings about X Facotr and all that stuff, and this is one of those 'laughing at the hapless idiot' auditions, but it's also hysterical. The guy is a treasure. Stick with it to 0:58, it's comic genius:
I think I might have posted it before, but the thing I've laughed at the hardest on telly in recent years was this from The Apprentice:
Last weekend this made me crack up. I have very mixed feelings about X Facotr and all that stuff, and this is one of those 'laughing at the hapless idiot' auditions, but it's also hysterical. The guy is a treasure. Stick with it to 0:58, it's comic genius:
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more