Jokes

invisible Pole · Post by **invisible Pole** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 3:50 am

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Thu Sep 22, 2005 3:32 pm

Q: What is Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He doesn't care how people got out of New Orleans.

bambooneedle · Post by **bambooneedle** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:53 am

A musician was hired to entertain at an important silver anniversary function. After belting out a couple of lewd openers-- I Love To Grab Your Big Tits and I'll Screw You Later-- on the piano, the guests fell into shocked silence but he didn't notice as he hastily excused himself to go to the bathroom. On his return he was met by the unimpressed host, "You're a disgrace, how dare you offend all these people... and btw do you know your dick's hanging out?". "know it? I wrote it!"

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:17 pm

Here are a couple of engineer jokes (hey, Don McMillan was on the radio the other day...)

You might be an engineer if:

1. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

2. You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

3. You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave functions.

And here's a little piece of engineer haiku poetry that cracks me up --

Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why.

bobster · Post by **bobster** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:50 pm

As a good liberal arts type person, EV, how can you claim to understand these jokes? I'm going to be studying them all weekend to try and figure them out...Have you been posing as a movie and music geek all this time only to be revealed as <gasp> an engineering major? This is not Vez I know.

Fel Vez, is that you?

LittleFoole · Post by **LittleFoole** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:11 pm

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a gay man, a lesbian, a meterosexual, a north american, a south american, a european all walk into a bar, and the bartender says.........SAY, is this some kind of a JOKE ???!!!???

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:38 am

bobster wrote:As a good liberal arts type person, EV, how can you claim to understand these jokes? I'm going to be studying them all weekend to try and figure them out...Have you been posing as a movie and music geek all this time only to be revealed as <gasp> an engineering major? This is not Vez I know.

Fel Vez, is that you?

Hey now, don't hate on me for being open minded. Some of my best friends are engineers.

Boy With A Problem · Post by **Boy With A Problem** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 1:04 pm

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote Iraqi desert post..

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant says, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

selfmademug · Post by **selfmademug** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 6:40 pm

Just heard this one...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. Rummy concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" Bush shouts, "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this sudden display of emotion. They watch nervously as the President hangs his head, distraught.

Finally, Bush composes himself and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"

so lacklustre · Post by **so lacklustre** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:52 am

Would-Be Darwin Winner
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he\'d have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put \"poor planning\" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Jackson Monk · Post by **Jackson Monk** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:24 pm

Absolutely awesome....I just love the Darwin Awards.....best site on the net....bar this one...and...

http://www.mehstg.co.uk/

verbal gymnastics · Post by **verbal gymnastics** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:28 am

Thanks so lack. It sounds like the sort of thing that happens in a Roadrunner cartoon. I can picture Wil E Coyote.

invisible Pole · Post by **invisible Pole** » Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:16 am

Ig Nobel Prizes for 2005 have just been awarded and here are some of the winners :

PHYSICS: John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
MEDICINE: Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.
PEACE: Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie "Star Wars."
CHEMISTRY: Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?

Who Shot Sam? · Post by **Who Shot Sam?** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 11:20 am

These brought a chuckle - found on another forum. Probably familiar to the UK crowd:

Some of the finest double-entendres on British TV & Radio:

o Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

o Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

o Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

o Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

o Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

o 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

o Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

o Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

o Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

o James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

o Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

o The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

o Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

o Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

o A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

o US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

o Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

o Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

o Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

o New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

o Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

I am also informed that ex-Chelsea man Graeme Le Saux, who did commentary on last night's England-Poland match on the BBC said, "You don't want to let Wayne Rooney come in your box." Indeed.
_________________

miss buenos aires · Post by **miss buenos aires** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:25 pm

I think I read something like that in Infinite Jest...

so lacklustre wrote:
Would-Be Darwin Winner
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he\'d have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

so lacklustre · Post by **so lacklustre** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:51 pm

Surprised the Brian Johnston cricket classic isn't there. England were playing WI, Michael Holding was facing Peter Willey.
"The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey".

Followed by fit of giggles.

Jackson Monk · Post by **Jackson Monk** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 5:22 pm

Then there was Jonathan Agnew, describing Ian Botham's freak dismissal where he fell over his own stumps, offered the immortal "just couldn't quite get his leg over".

The late, great Brian Johnston desperately tried to maintain control of his hysteria while attempting to sum up the day's play, while Agnew sunk further and further into helpless laughter. classic

ReadyToHearTheWorst · Post by **ReadyToHearTheWorst** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 6:58 pm

... and what about the time the cricket was held up when a batsman was hit 'in the box' on the 5th ball of an over. Eventually Brian Johnston was able to announce "Play commences, one ball left".

Gillibeanz · Post by **Gillibeanz** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:14 am

A woman walks into a police station and says "Officer iv'e been graped!" The policeman replies "I think you mean raped madam" the woman says "No - there was a bunch of them!"

invisible Pole · Post by **invisible Pole** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:04 pm

Examples of comical translations/use of English language :

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Doctors office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
To stop leak turn cock to the right

On an Athi River highway:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two
years.

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in
the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Who Shot Sam? · Post by **Who Shot Sam?** » Fri Nov 04, 2005 9:31 pm

What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

El Vez · Post by **El Vez** » Thu Nov 10, 2005 5:49 pm

How do you get your dishwasher to clear the snow out of the driveway?

Give her a shovel!

verbal gymnastics · Post by **verbal gymnastics** » Fri Nov 11, 2005 11:15 am

That reminds me of the only time Mrs VG's mum has hit me.

My father-in-law was doing some washing up and I said to him that his rubber gloves were on the wrong hands. He said they weren't and I said "Yes they are- they should be on your wife's". Mrs VG's mum then (unnecessarily I feel) thumped me.

Women - no sense of humour? Don't make me laugh

Boy With A Problem · Post by **Boy With A Problem** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 5:53 am

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away. Bruce says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, " Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey said. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' "

"She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' "

"And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.' "

so lacklustre · Post by **so lacklustre** » Thu Nov 24, 2005 1:26 pm

Blessed are the cracked; for it is they who let in the light.

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

25. Every calendar's days are numbered.

26. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.