have you ever smelled moth balls?
how'd you get their little legs apart?
Jokes
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mood swung
- Posts: 6908
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on a similar note....
Like me, the "g" is silent.
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miss buenos aires
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- Contact:
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miss buenos aires
- Posts: 2055
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 7:15 am
- Location: jcnj
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(sorry IP and to any other Poles)-
bambooneedle
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- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:02 pm
- Location: a few thousand miles south east of Zanzibar
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invisible Pole
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 2:20 pm
- Location: Poland
Warning : Quite long !!
Apparently it's not a joke.
Singapore's Worst Job Revealed: Wanking Elephants
by Kway Png
Last week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that they were setting up a bank containing sperm samples of all the wildlife under their
supervision. At the same time, zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin
Goncang won a competition for "Worst Job in Singapore".
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, the Jurong Bird Park and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species. And It is Mr. Binatang's job to collect the sperm. "Teruk, sial," said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm.
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and Tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature
and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work.
"I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every morning," he said somewhat ruefully. "And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed first."As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and sporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed, and applied massage oil onto his gloves. We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered and knelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.Binatang emerged again.
"So fast?" we asked. "He's shy with you strangers looking on and can't perform today," said Mr.Binatang with a grin, before silently mouthing "thank you" to us.
We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached."Sayang, sayang," said Mr. Binatang in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several Tupperware's full of viscous fluid.
"Is that...?" we asked gingerly. "It's not soya bean," replied Mr.
Binatang grimly. "Isn't it dangerous?" we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent
for a while. "They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a
glazed, faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, "Give that man a tiger."
Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different," he said, removing his gloves, now
speckled with traces of polar bear spunk. "The polar bears come rather
quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their cold organs.
The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most teruk because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral. Like
Quasimodo or something. And god, when he comes, it's like being sprayed by hot glue".
Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon.
The cooler box was full of neatly-labelled Tupperware's of animal semen,
which were duly delivered to the WRS office. "I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this job," said Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. "As you can expect it's really affecting my sex life. I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."
The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang's difficulties and promises that the semen collection procedure will soon change. But not because of the unpleasantness of the job. "It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to pull them off," said deputy assistant director Lai Jee Seow. "Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex."
Apparently it's not a joke.
Singapore's Worst Job Revealed: Wanking Elephants
by Kway Png
Last week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that they were setting up a bank containing sperm samples of all the wildlife under their
supervision. At the same time, zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin
Goncang won a competition for "Worst Job in Singapore".
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, the Jurong Bird Park and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species. And It is Mr. Binatang's job to collect the sperm. "Teruk, sial," said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm.
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and Tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature
and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work.
"I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every morning," he said somewhat ruefully. "And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed first."As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and sporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed, and applied massage oil onto his gloves. We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered and knelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr.Binatang emerged again.
"So fast?" we asked. "He's shy with you strangers looking on and can't perform today," said Mr.Binatang with a grin, before silently mouthing "thank you" to us.
We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached."Sayang, sayang," said Mr. Binatang in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty,kitty..."Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several Tupperware's full of viscous fluid.
"Is that...?" we asked gingerly. "It's not soya bean," replied Mr.
Binatang grimly. "Isn't it dangerous?" we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent
for a while. "They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a
glazed, faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, "Give that man a tiger."
Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different," he said, removing his gloves, now
speckled with traces of polar bear spunk. "The polar bears come rather
quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their cold organs.
The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most teruk because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral. Like
Quasimodo or something. And god, when he comes, it's like being sprayed by hot glue".
Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon.
The cooler box was full of neatly-labelled Tupperware's of animal semen,
which were duly delivered to the WRS office. "I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this job," said Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. "As you can expect it's really affecting my sex life. I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."
The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang's difficulties and promises that the semen collection procedure will soon change. But not because of the unpleasantness of the job. "It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to pull them off," said deputy assistant director Lai Jee Seow. "Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex."
If you don't know what is wrong with me
Then you don't know what you've missed
Then you don't know what you've missed
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bambooneedle
- Posts: 4533
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:02 pm
- Location: a few thousand miles south east of Zanzibar
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King Hoarse
- Posts: 1450
- Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2004 11:32 pm
- Location: Malmö, Sweden
Follow-up on David H
"Ananova" writes:
Hasselhoff claims he had hand in Berlin Wall falling
David Hasselhoff has complained to museum curators after finding his photo absent in a collection of memorabilia about the fall of the Berlin Wall.
David Hasselhoff says he deserves some credit for the fall of the Berlin Wall /ImageNet
The actor and producer, who says he is working on a film version of TV series Knight Rider, claims he is partly responsible for the fall of the concrete divide.
Speaking to German magazine TV Spielfilm, Hasselhoff said in 1989, the year the wall fell, he had helped reunite the country by singing his song 'Looking for Freedom' among millions of German fans at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin.
He said he felt he had moved people on both sides of the wall, although he admitted hardly any of the East Germans could speak English. He said: "I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Check-Point Charlie.
"After my appearance I hacked away at pieces of the wall that had the black, red and yellow colours of the German flag on it. I kept the big piece for myself and gave the smaller pieces to colleagues at Baywatch."
Hasselhoff said he doesn't mind that Americans make fun of his popularity in Germany and says he feels it is his second homeland.
He said: "Many Americans joke about my popularity in Germany. But they have no idea how beautiful Europe is and how rich it is in culture and fun and warmth and children. In Germany children have brought me thousands of flowers."
I have to add that he didn't sing Looking For Freedom on a stage, but perched high on a rickety-looking crane, in a SUIT OF LIGHTS! This was presented to the huge crowd as sort of a bonus to the wall coming down, and some of the attendants seemed rightfully offended by the choice of artist. There's a great shot of David looking triumphantly at the film camera (c:a one metre from him) as a HUGE firecracker is thrown from a guy in the crowd and misses the smiling Hasselhoff's nose by a decimeter or so.
One of my favorite moments in television ever.
"Ananova" writes:
Hasselhoff claims he had hand in Berlin Wall falling
David Hasselhoff has complained to museum curators after finding his photo absent in a collection of memorabilia about the fall of the Berlin Wall.
David Hasselhoff says he deserves some credit for the fall of the Berlin Wall /ImageNet
The actor and producer, who says he is working on a film version of TV series Knight Rider, claims he is partly responsible for the fall of the concrete divide.
Speaking to German magazine TV Spielfilm, Hasselhoff said in 1989, the year the wall fell, he had helped reunite the country by singing his song 'Looking for Freedom' among millions of German fans at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin.
He said he felt he had moved people on both sides of the wall, although he admitted hardly any of the East Germans could speak English. He said: "I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Check-Point Charlie.
"After my appearance I hacked away at pieces of the wall that had the black, red and yellow colours of the German flag on it. I kept the big piece for myself and gave the smaller pieces to colleagues at Baywatch."
Hasselhoff said he doesn't mind that Americans make fun of his popularity in Germany and says he feels it is his second homeland.
He said: "Many Americans joke about my popularity in Germany. But they have no idea how beautiful Europe is and how rich it is in culture and fun and warmth and children. In Germany children have brought me thousands of flowers."
I have to add that he didn't sing Looking For Freedom on a stage, but perched high on a rickety-looking crane, in a SUIT OF LIGHTS! This was presented to the huge crowd as sort of a bonus to the wall coming down, and some of the attendants seemed rightfully offended by the choice of artist. There's a great shot of David looking triumphantly at the film camera (c:a one metre from him) as a HUGE firecracker is thrown from a guy in the crowd and misses the smiling Hasselhoff's nose by a decimeter or so.
One of my favorite moments in television ever.
What this world needs is more silly men.
What did the Zen Budhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
"Make me one with everything."
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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miss buenos aires
- Posts: 2055
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 7:15 am
- Location: jcnj
- Contact:
Here's another one -bobster wrote:What did the Zen Budhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
A guy buys a hot dog off a Zen Buddhist monk. The hot dog costs $2 and the guy hands the monk a $10. The monk does not give him any money back.
GUY: Hey, what about my change?
MONK: Change must come from within.
Q: What does the KKK do when they get angry at Unitarians?
A: Burn a question mark on their lawn.
A: Burn a question mark on their lawn.
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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Gillibeanz
- Posts: 1697
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2003 1:28 pm
- Location: England
A Guy is sitting one evening watching TV when there s a knock on the door. He opens the door but theres no one there. He just settles back down when there is a knock again. He opens the door but again theres no one there. The third time theres a knock at the door he happens to look down and there is a snail on the doorstep, he picks it up in disgust and hurls it to the bottom of the garden with all his might.
One evening three years later he is watching TV when theres a knock at the door. He opens it and a snail says "What the fuck was that all about?"
One evening three years later he is watching TV when theres a knock at the door. He opens it and a snail says "What the fuck was that all about?"
COME ON YOU SPURS!!
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Declanation
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 10:57 am
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a bulb?
A: None. She'll just sit there in the dark all night and suffer.
A: None. She'll just sit there in the dark all night and suffer.
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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bambooneedle
- Posts: 4533
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:02 pm
- Location: a few thousand miles south east of Zanzibar
Ha ha ha ha, that was a good one.Declanation wrote:A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
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bambooneedle
- Posts: 4533
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:02 pm
- Location: a few thousand miles south east of Zanzibar
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Declanation
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 10:57 am
few one-liners...
What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
Obviously a joke pregnant with meaning for me....I was once told it by either John Doe or D.J. Bonebrake or possibly Billy Zoom of X as I got my albums signed. (I was being gently razzed in my youthful nerddom by the guys, but an overconcerned Exene Cervenka said, "Bob bought all our albums....")Declanation wrote:What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob
And now for something completely different:
Q: What do you a call a Greek with 25 girlfriennds
A: A Shephard.
***
Q: What do you a musician without a girlfriend?
A: "Homeless."
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
Re: Jokes
I was at a dinner party and my brother-in-law told us that exact joke.so lacklustre wrote:What do you call a black man flying a jet plane?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
Pretty strange, huh?
I'm not angry anymore....