Elvis` `greatest lyrical slams`

[johnfoyle]

see
http://www.popcultmag.com/criticalmass/ ... ello1.html


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Elvis Costello has written hundreds of songs in a dizzying array of styles over the last 25 years, but at least one element has been a constant: insults. Sure, he's capable of gorgeous, delicate songs of love and loss ("So Like Candy" and "Almost Blue" are a good start), but a steady stream of clever vitriol–proceeding from his first album, 1977's My Aim Is True, through 2002's When I Was Cruel–makes clear that irritating this guy means risking a verbal ass-whipping no one else this side of Don Rickles could deliver. Be it eloquent or blunt, no one knows more ways to say "You suck" than Elvis. Here are a few.



You're So Stupid

You talk like you don't have a brain in your head.
("The Stamping Ground")

But they keep you hanging on until you're well hung
Your mouth is made up but your mind is undone
("Accidents Will Happen")

The twitching impulses to speak your mind
I'll lend you my microscope and maybe you will find it
Is it in that ugly place that's just behind your face?
("All the Rage")

Why do you talk such stupid nonsense
When my mind could rest much easier
Instead of all this dumb, dumb insolence
I would be happier with amnesia
("Riot Act")

You'll be the last to know who's fooling who.
("The Comedians" [version one])

She said that she was working for the ABC News
It was as much of the alphabet as she knew how to use
("Brilliant Mistake")

I can't say more, it would only confuse you.
("This Offer Is Unrepeatable")



You're So Ugly

If you were ten feet taller and almost handsome, I might pay this king's ransom.
("Worthless Thing")

I thought she was young up until I saw her last night in close detail.
("Black and White World")

You need a back to break or a back to stab
Now your birthday suit looks dull and drab
("TKO [Boxing Day]")



Death Wishes

I wanna chop off your head and watch it roll into the basket
If you should drop dead tonight then they won't have to ask me twice
("Senior Service")

The chairman of this boredom is a compliment collector
I'd like to be his funeral director
("Opportunity")

Can't you give us all a break?
Can't you stop breathing?
("Suit of Lights")

I said "I'm so happy, I could die"
She said "Drop dead," then left with another guy
("[The Angels Wanna Wear] My Red Shoes")

When they finally put you in the ground
I'll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down
("Tramp the Dirt Down")

There's nothing I love better than a free-for-all
To take your pretty neck and see which way it bends
("Wave a White Flag")

And if you still don't like my song, then you can just go to hell.
("Little Atoms")



Love Gone Bad

I love you just as much as I hate your guts.
("Alibi")

If I say I love you, then I must be delirious.
("Men Called Uncle")

Somebody's putting ideas in your head
They took the girl of my dreams and left you here instead
("Sour Milk Cow Blues")

You're determined to make me as miserable as you can.
("I Turn Around")

I don't wanna kiss you, I don't wanna touch
I don't wanna see you 'cause I don't miss you that much
("No Action")

She's the girl that used to have it and the girl I still have.
("Baby's Got a Brand New Hairdo")



Comeuppance

The wine you drink has never seen a grape.
("20% Amnesia")

I remember a time when you would have seemed so superior
Now you say "Will you please meet this good friend of mine?"
("You Bowed Down")

Suddenly you're talking like a duchess, but you're still a waitress.
("Sulky Girl")

Now there's newsprint all over your face
Well maybe that's why I can read you like a book
("Men Called Uncle")

Everything you say now sounds like it was ghost-written.
("New Amsterdam")

B movie, that's all you are to me
Just a soft soap story
("B Movie")



Liar, Liar

You can take the truthful things you've said to me
And put them on the head of a pin
("Poor Napoleon")

There's a bright future for all you professional liars.
("How to Be Dumb")

You tell the truth sometimes, but you wouldn't know it if it hit you.
("Black Sails In the Sunset")



You Talk Too Much

She could have kept her knees together
Should have kept her mouth shut
("Kinder Murder")

Her teeth are perfect but her mouth is loose.
("Glitter Gulch")

Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
When I hear the silly things that you say
("Alison")

You told the same joke to me too many times
I wish that someone would hit it
Just before you reach the punchline
("It's Time")



Masculinity

And it's the force of habit
If it moves then you fuck it
If it doesn't move you stab it
("Suit of Lights")

He's acting innocent and proud still you know what he's after
Like a matador with his pork sword, while we all die of laughter
("I Hope You're Happy Now")

You'll never be a man
No matter how many foreign bodies you can take
("You'll Never Be a Man")

He's the tired toy that everyone enjoyed
He wants to be a fancy man but he's nothing but a nancy boy
("Shabby Doll")



Miscellaneous Disgust & Loathing

Thank you for the flowers
I threw them on the fire
And I burned the photographs that you had enclosed
God, they were ugly children
("I Almost Had a Weakness")

You're a swine, and I'm saying that's an insult to the pig.
("Swine")

Frightening small children is just about your only weakness.
("Distorted Angel")

You lack lust, you're so lackluster
Is that all the strength you can muster?
("Possession")

And I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law to you.
("Glitter Gulch")

You're easily led, but you're much too scared to follow.
("You Belong to Me")

I fear you have mistaken me for somebody who cares.
("Couldn't You Keep That to Yourself?")

I wish you luck with a capital 'F'.
("Love Went Mad")

[spooky girlfriend]

I remember posting this same article on the old site, but no one much seemed to notice. But I was new then. . . . .

[BlueChair]

Sorry spooky, maybe it was while I was traveling Europe.. this is pretty cool though!

[Misha]

Blue,

Thanks for the post, as I wasn't on the old site to see Spooky G's previous post..

What is it that makes this all so seductive?


I said, "Are you cold?"
She said, "No, but you are, la, la la la la, la la la la...."

I guess I'm not over my bad boy phase......

[lapinsjolis]

Spooky you've been beloved since the advent of your posting career. Maybe there was alot going on that week! 'Starting to Come to Me' isn't sited but like so many of his songs it's a non-stop insult and it's been in my head for days. He can be nasty with such an elegant turn of a phrase.

[Mr. Misery]

"You're a big boy now with a face to stop clocks"--'Turning the Town Red.'

[Mr. Average]

One of the many things that Elvis has in common with Graham Parker is the acerbic wit that puts so much more punch behind a personal slam...a seething derogation. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit to looking forward to the acrid remarks from both of these great songwriters.

Richard Thompson has the same sort of ability to weave breathtaking insults into song, but because much of his work is so personal and relationship based, his vitriole often is a little less 'comical'...it hits too close to home. Many of Richard Thompsons best slams have left me wondering how in the hell he knew enough about me to hit me with such a targeted insult. Thus is the nature of his work for me...very personal, and where the insults are concerned, often right on target.

Now that I stop and think about it, "Screw You, Richard!".

Seriously, a great list and enjoyable to read through. Some of them reallly take on extra energy with his delivery, and you find yourself repeating the insult with the same intonation and emphasis that he does.

[Mr. Average]

It occurs to me that one of my top 15 (posted AND PM'ed to BlueChair for the "Top 50" project) is "Episode of Blonde" a parade of EC insults, strung together with ease, and hitting so many targets. We'll let Larry David find out exactly who Elvis is aiming at here (I think you know) in a future episode of Curb your Enthusiasm, but for now, the lyrics:

[my favorite - "She was a cute little ruin that he pulled out of the rubble, Now their both living in a soft soap bubble"]


Episode Of Blonde

I spy for the "Spirit of Curiousity"
All the scandals of each vain monstrosity
I gossip and I pry and I insinuate
If the failure is great
Then it tends to fascinate

A tornado dropped a funnel cloud with twenty tons of rain
Though she had the attention span of warm cellophane
Her lovers fell like skittles in a 10-pin bowling lane
But nothing could compare with that explosion of fame

So you jumped back with alarm
Every Elvis has his army
Every rattlesnake its charm
Can you still hear me?
Am I coming through just fine?
Your memory was buried in a simple box of pine

Did her green eyes seduce you and make you get so weak?
Was there fire engine red that she left upon your cheek?
It's such a shame you had to break the heart
You could have counted onbut the last thing you need is another
...Episode of blonde

Revolving like a jeweller's figure on a music box
Spangled curtain parted and a night-club scene unlocks
Pinned and fixed and fastened in a follow spot
Arms thrown out to everyone, she's giving all she's got
To the last gasp of a wounded bandeon
Tiny man imploring to the cieling fan
This stolen feeling
Amplified up through a busted speaker
Blaring, blasting, advertising, distorted beyond reason
Into the street where petty crime-coats shadow panic drunkards,
Half out of the taxi cab the barker seized my elbow
He thought I was another lonely, likely pilgrim looking for St.Telmo

Repeat chorus

I tried to keep a straight face but you know it never pays
He would stare into those eyes and then vacation in her gaze
She was a cute little ruin that he pulled out of the rubble
Noe they are both living in a soft soap bubble

The film producer's contemplating, entertaining suicide
The picture crumpled in his fist, his runaway child bride
The timepiece stretched across a wrist
She couldn't care less cast aside
The scent that so repelled him that he swore: "insecticide"
And there's a farewell note to mother
That will conclude "Your loving Son"
"Oh, tell your other children not to do as I have done."

Chorus

So an artist drags a toothbrush across the first thing that he sees
And names the painting "Christ's Last Exit into Purgatory"
Receiving secret messages from an alien intelligence
Paying off his stalker it's a legitimate expense
So paste up pictures of those shrill and hollow girls
With puckered lips
She's a trophy on your arm
A magnet for your money clip
The moral of this story is the sorry tale to say
They're pieced with links of chains so they can never run away

[laughingcrow]

How many boys, one night stands
How many lips, how many hands have held you
Like I'm holding you tonight

Too many nights staying up late
Too much powder, too much paint
Oh you can't hide from the Turning of the Tide

Mr Average, agreed Richard Thompson is up there, but you can't beat Elvis for giving someone a verbal bashing right outta the Charm School...

They chopped you up in butcher's school
Threw you out of the academy of garbage
You'll be a joker all your life
A student at the comedy college
People pleasing people pleasing people like you
You've been around so long but you still don't know what to do

[Mr. Average]

Agreed.

[pip_52]

I remember when Spooky first posted this way back when . . .

As hard as Elvis is on other people, Ive always gotten the feeling that in many of his songs he's just as hard on himself. Like sometimes when he sings "he" or "you" he could really mean "me." Especially in his later albums.

[Misha]

Pip,

I'm with you on this....completely.

I think that's what makes it more accessible to me, anyway. I like that he's got his faults, I like that he points them out to a catchy tune. Makes mine seem more bearable, and even entertaining....

[sulkygirl]

Mr Average, agreed Richard Thompson is up there, but you can't beat Elvis for giving someone a verbal bashing right outta the Charm School...

They chopped you up in butcher's school
Threw you out of the academy of garbage
You'll be a joker all your life
A student at the comedy college
People pleasing people pleasing people like you
You've been around so long but you still don't know what to do

I believe that's from "Chemistry Class". LC, not "Charm School"...

[costellopunk]

one of my favorites:

"you took two steps forward and one flat on your back"
(next time 'round)

[laughingcrow]

Sulky, sorry I was just saying 'charm school' with regards to the content of that song, not muddling up AF/PTC...

[selfmademug]

I meant to post on this threat a while back but here I am now...

HOW TO BE DUMB is filled with vitriol of course, but this is the line that is funniest and most cutting, IMO:

Funny though people don't usually get so ugly till they think
they know what they want

[spooky girlfriend]

I love How To Be Dumb, Mug.

But I've thought over the past year of listening to Elvis that it's not so much that he says hateful things, as that he says what is real - what we all are thinking and sometimes afraid to say. What usually needs to be said, but remains silent for whatever reason.

[Paul B]

Still 'the funniest fucker in the world' line is delivered in such a choice fashion.