"Fraternal greetings from the people's republic, darlin!
The chief glory of every people arises from its authors.
Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear." - Unguent M. Sandblast
junk e-mail quotes
junk e-mail quotes
Share your favourite junk e-mail/spam quotes!
"Fraternal greetings from the people's republic, darlin!
The chief glory of every people arises from its authors.
Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear." - Unguent M. Sandblast
"Fraternal greetings from the people's republic, darlin!
The chief glory of every people arises from its authors.
Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear." - Unguent M. Sandblast
This morning you've got time for a hot, home-cooked breakfast! Delicious and piping hot in only 3 microwave minutes.
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selfmademug
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Otis Westinghouse
- Posts: 8856
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm
- Location: The theatre of dreams
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Otis Westinghouse
- Posts: 8856
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm
- Location: The theatre of dreams
Actually, I did just open one and, what a surprise, it was all about penis enlargement, but it did crack me up, because they pepper them with accents (or other weird characters) so that they'll be less easily detected by naughty word filters. This one was very funny to read with an approrpriately absurd French accent: 'pénis enlargément' 'stop prematuré ejáculation', etc.
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more
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laughingcrow
- Posts: 2476
- Joined: Tue Jul 29, 2003 8:35 am
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King of Confidence
- Posts: 94
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 7:19 pm
- Location: Chicago
This thread reminded me of this piece. Colin McEnroe is a columnist for the Hartford Courant and for my money one of the funniest writers around.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry James Answers His Spam
Colin McEnroe
February 23 2003
Dear Jackets98,
It has been of the greatest interest - indeed, it has been delightful - to me to receive this night your so generous and informing communication, the subject of which ("Eat Pizza and Lose Weight") truly sparked inside me certain aspirations which I have long held secret but to which I will now openly subscribe.
I must congratulate not only you but also your sister. May I beg you to convey my felicitations over her shedding of 23 pounds in just one week? The nostrum of which you write, with its "Lipotropic fat burners," seems like a true godsend, as though Olympus heard me whispering, "I want to lose 10 to 15 pounds a week without exercising or eating rice cakes or even getting up from my recliner," and Zeus said, "Let it be so."
Pecuniary circumstances - some of them arising from my unwonted use of a credit card to inspect the activities of "Filthy Farm Girls," called to my attention by a dutiful correspondent not unlike yourself - forbid my ordering even the expansively discounted trial sample at this moment, but until such time as those circumstances improve, I will have you tenderly on my mind, as it is exquisitely sensible to me that I am on yours.
Ever yours most cordially,
_________________________
My Dearest Ed,
How can I possibly express my gratitude for the deep intelligence of the touching and thoughtful missive ("Earn $$$ While You Sleep") that greeted my eyes today? Even though we have not met, it is undeniable that you have a window into my soul.
Have I ever voiced aloud the sentiment that the quality of my life would be vastly improved with just an extra $500 a month? No, and yet you seem to know it.
Truest friend, you know my dreams all too well when you write of persons less adept than I earning $10,000 per month after four years, even as they pursue my chosen work schedule of two hours of deeply focused concentration and effort each day, preceded and followed by many hours in the quest for calm and tranquility.
In short, I am eager to begin my new (and as yet somewhat mysterious) business pursuit in an "exciting and extraordinary growth industry." God bless your lucidity for seeing what others do not - that I am a person of rare quality poised to embark on a course that leads toward independence from my older sister, in whose carpeted basement I now dwell.
Certain exigencies - not unrelated to my natural curiosity about the presence of a "fabulous casino" dwelling inside my PC - have rendered me temporarily unable to forward to you the requested $9,750 required for partnership status, but rest assured that I am in it for the long haul and that your faith in me will not be unrewarded.
May God uphold your right arm and carry your cry to the farthest reaches of the Internet until that blessed day when you and I may, as you tell me, "laze on the beach" enjoying the residuals to which our years of unflagging two-hour days have entitled us.
I remain your friend and ally,
__________________________________
Dear Buddy's Club,
I am rejoiced to hear you speak so affirmingly of my manhood, especially with the regard to the bright prospects of enlarging it beyond my wildest dreams. Such has been my despair over that peninsula of myself that your sympathy and understanding were like twin beams of healing light erupting through the clouds.
But your tidings only swelled like sails with better winds. There were to be "NO agonizing hanging weights." Good, because I do not think I could abide weights that hung agonizingly even for this proud purpose. There were also, you said, to be "NO painful and hard-to-use pumps." I confess I had entertained no thought that there would be, but even the scantest effort to provide myself with a mental picture of such an enterprise was discomfiting.
I have conceived a lively new affection for life itself and now believe that, bolstered by this new surge of enlarged confidence, I will do great things and engage the world in ways that have previously eluded me.
Owing it all to yourselves, I am your uplifted servant,
______________________________
Dear Willy,
I think no other man writes so eloquent a letter - or one so open-handed - as your mail to me of yesterday noon ("Free Downloads of My Stepsister"). But I would be untrue to our budding friendship if I did not observe that your writing emerged unbidden upon my screen as a consequence of my efforts to fill out a short survey that might have won me a free BMW Z4.
I was never able to complete that inveigling questionnaire, nor was I, for many minutes, able to rid my screen of your many entreaties to gaze upon and otherwise familiarize myself with "Autumn," the young lady in question.
Perhaps it is because rumors (not inaccurate) of my forthcoming involvement in a promising business enterprise have preceded me or possibly my prospect of a physique vastly improved by scientific weight loss has been bruited about. I blush to think of it, but there is even another long-delayed physical improvement in my immediate future and perhaps certain parties have gotten wind of that. Whatever the reason, I have, in just a few short weeks, received more entreaties to pass the time pleasantly with the most appealing and praiseworthy women than have constituted the entire rest of my life.
Still, perhaps this precise moment is not right. I will enjoy such companionship with more peace of mind after I have availed myself of a recent offer of debt consolidation that will, apparently, result in a new car and vacation opportunities for myself. Word has reached me this very day that I am already approved. Think of it, Willy. I am approved.
I trust that my good fortune in this regard will create some patient allowance among you and your sister for your tremendously attached new friend,
HENRY JAMES
You may contact Colin McEnroe by e-mail at Rmag99@
aol.com.
Copyright 2003, Hartford Courant
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Henry James Answers His Spam
Colin McEnroe
February 23 2003
Dear Jackets98,
It has been of the greatest interest - indeed, it has been delightful - to me to receive this night your so generous and informing communication, the subject of which ("Eat Pizza and Lose Weight") truly sparked inside me certain aspirations which I have long held secret but to which I will now openly subscribe.
I must congratulate not only you but also your sister. May I beg you to convey my felicitations over her shedding of 23 pounds in just one week? The nostrum of which you write, with its "Lipotropic fat burners," seems like a true godsend, as though Olympus heard me whispering, "I want to lose 10 to 15 pounds a week without exercising or eating rice cakes or even getting up from my recliner," and Zeus said, "Let it be so."
Pecuniary circumstances - some of them arising from my unwonted use of a credit card to inspect the activities of "Filthy Farm Girls," called to my attention by a dutiful correspondent not unlike yourself - forbid my ordering even the expansively discounted trial sample at this moment, but until such time as those circumstances improve, I will have you tenderly on my mind, as it is exquisitely sensible to me that I am on yours.
Ever yours most cordially,
_________________________
My Dearest Ed,
How can I possibly express my gratitude for the deep intelligence of the touching and thoughtful missive ("Earn $$$ While You Sleep") that greeted my eyes today? Even though we have not met, it is undeniable that you have a window into my soul.
Have I ever voiced aloud the sentiment that the quality of my life would be vastly improved with just an extra $500 a month? No, and yet you seem to know it.
Truest friend, you know my dreams all too well when you write of persons less adept than I earning $10,000 per month after four years, even as they pursue my chosen work schedule of two hours of deeply focused concentration and effort each day, preceded and followed by many hours in the quest for calm and tranquility.
In short, I am eager to begin my new (and as yet somewhat mysterious) business pursuit in an "exciting and extraordinary growth industry." God bless your lucidity for seeing what others do not - that I am a person of rare quality poised to embark on a course that leads toward independence from my older sister, in whose carpeted basement I now dwell.
Certain exigencies - not unrelated to my natural curiosity about the presence of a "fabulous casino" dwelling inside my PC - have rendered me temporarily unable to forward to you the requested $9,750 required for partnership status, but rest assured that I am in it for the long haul and that your faith in me will not be unrewarded.
May God uphold your right arm and carry your cry to the farthest reaches of the Internet until that blessed day when you and I may, as you tell me, "laze on the beach" enjoying the residuals to which our years of unflagging two-hour days have entitled us.
I remain your friend and ally,
__________________________________
Dear Buddy's Club,
I am rejoiced to hear you speak so affirmingly of my manhood, especially with the regard to the bright prospects of enlarging it beyond my wildest dreams. Such has been my despair over that peninsula of myself that your sympathy and understanding were like twin beams of healing light erupting through the clouds.
But your tidings only swelled like sails with better winds. There were to be "NO agonizing hanging weights." Good, because I do not think I could abide weights that hung agonizingly even for this proud purpose. There were also, you said, to be "NO painful and hard-to-use pumps." I confess I had entertained no thought that there would be, but even the scantest effort to provide myself with a mental picture of such an enterprise was discomfiting.
I have conceived a lively new affection for life itself and now believe that, bolstered by this new surge of enlarged confidence, I will do great things and engage the world in ways that have previously eluded me.
Owing it all to yourselves, I am your uplifted servant,
______________________________
Dear Willy,
I think no other man writes so eloquent a letter - or one so open-handed - as your mail to me of yesterday noon ("Free Downloads of My Stepsister"). But I would be untrue to our budding friendship if I did not observe that your writing emerged unbidden upon my screen as a consequence of my efforts to fill out a short survey that might have won me a free BMW Z4.
I was never able to complete that inveigling questionnaire, nor was I, for many minutes, able to rid my screen of your many entreaties to gaze upon and otherwise familiarize myself with "Autumn," the young lady in question.
Perhaps it is because rumors (not inaccurate) of my forthcoming involvement in a promising business enterprise have preceded me or possibly my prospect of a physique vastly improved by scientific weight loss has been bruited about. I blush to think of it, but there is even another long-delayed physical improvement in my immediate future and perhaps certain parties have gotten wind of that. Whatever the reason, I have, in just a few short weeks, received more entreaties to pass the time pleasantly with the most appealing and praiseworthy women than have constituted the entire rest of my life.
Still, perhaps this precise moment is not right. I will enjoy such companionship with more peace of mind after I have availed myself of a recent offer of debt consolidation that will, apparently, result in a new car and vacation opportunities for myself. Word has reached me this very day that I am already approved. Think of it, Willy. I am approved.
I trust that my good fortune in this regard will create some patient allowance among you and your sister for your tremendously attached new friend,
HENRY JAMES
You may contact Colin McEnroe by e-mail at Rmag99@
aol.com.
Copyright 2003, Hartford Courant
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My favorite has to be what I received in the title of a (I assure you) unsolicited penis enlargement email...
"Increase the size of your skinbat!!!"
Really, the phrase skinbat...doesn't it just evoke thoughts of joyce and whitman...I get chills, I really do.
"Increase the size of your skinbat!!!"
Really, the phrase skinbat...doesn't it just evoke thoughts of joyce and whitman...I get chills, I really do.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.